111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time
TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a
man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented.
It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF
entered into the English language.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king
from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have
to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield
wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames
by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'
In English pubs, ale was ordered by pints and quarts... So
in old England
, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints
and quarts, and settle down.'
It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their
elbow!
Posted at 2008-07-10 09:03:07 PST(UTC-8H) Comments(0) | Permanent link
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of - ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen.
Only He can.
OH DEAR.......SOME PEOPLE JUST DONT GET THIS ENTRY THEY THINK ITS FOR REAL ISNT THAT RIGHT (STARTMEUP)? WELL I CAN ONLY PUT UP HERE WHAT SHE SAID AND YOU DECIDE. ME? I THINK SHES WACKED....LOL
How utterly sad to be so jealous of the USA and babi u wont make it big
and live in playboy mansion anywhere but here. Think about that , oh
and tell the queen that she looks like a man. are u sure she is not in
drag? lmfao
THEN WHEN I TOLD HER I WAS JUST A JOKE THIS IS HER REPLY
You are totally pathetic, jealous and if not for USA, you would be speaking GERMAN right now. We whipped your a*s in Revolutionary
War and we will Whip your a*s every single time. Oh, and do not bother
to visit USA , we do not like BRITS who think they know it all, in
actuality you are a dim wit who pasted and copied all of that
data. Get a real life , ignoring you now, you are not worth my time.
And for the record, I am not a bottle blonde like all of those ice cold
witches in UK
YES OF COURSE I PASTED IT UP THERE ....BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY
SO SHE PUT THIS ON HER BLOG TALK ABOUT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK, SEE WHAT YOU THINK INTELLIGENT AMERICAN OR DIM LITTLE GIRL WHO HAS NOT GROWN UP YET?
It is one of the most devastating indictments of British education ever
produced: a study of 10,000 children reveals that 11-and 12-year-old children
are “now, on average, between two and three years behind where they were 15
years ago” in their cognitive and conceptual development. In other words, their
ability to think and reason has receded at an astonishing rate since
1990.
Every so often, new research deserves to transform the way a
generation thinks about the world; this, from one of Britain’s leading
psychologists, fits the bill. To those who still refuse to admit that
educational standards in Britain are in dangerous decline, this groundbreaking
research will come as a devastating shock. To the rest of us, it confirms what
we had long suspected: British schools are not just failing to meet the demands
of the 21st century knowledge economy in equipping children with essential
skills, they are doing even worse than they used to, with dire implications for
the prospects of a new generation of children in an age of globalization and
intense international competition.
NOT BAD HUH THOUGHT UP BY HER OR PASTED AFTER SEARCHING THE WEB FOR A WHILE? SHE FORGOT TO ADD THAT THOUSANDS OF AMERICANS COME TO THE UK EVERY YEAR TO STUDY IN UNIVERSITIES FOR A HIGHER EDUCATION. WHY IS THAT? YOU DECIDE
Posted at 2008-03-24 09:48:18 PST(UTC-8H) |
Comments(4) | Permanent link
when the routine bites hard And ambitions are low And the resentment rides high But emotions won't grow And we're changing our ways, Taking different roads Then love, love will tear us apart again
Why is the bedroom so cold Turned away on your side? Is my timing that flawed, Our respect run so dry? Yet there's still this appeal That we've kept through our lives Love, love will tear us apart again
Do you cry out in your sleep All my failings expose? Get a taste in my mouth As desperation takes hold Is it something so good Just can't function no more? When love, love will tear us apart again
Posted at 2007-10-23 15:32:15 PST(UTC-8H) Comments(0) | Permanent link
